We all know that when we are feeling confident and good about ourselves we can achieve anything. But life isn’t like that. We have good days and we have bad days. So what is the difference? How we feel.

Now the reason we don’t feel good some days maybe to do with things that have happened, or is happening to us. Losing business, not getting the sale, getting bogged down with ’stuff’, kids, all these things can mean we have bad days. Having challenges in our life is part of the deal.  A part of life yes, but not the whole reason why we feel bad. We feel bad because of how we choose to react to the situation.

I am not saying we should all act like robots and never react adversely to these situations, what I am saying is that we can learn to become more self-aware (knowing we are doing it when doing it) so we know how we are reacting and then do something about it. These situations have an impact on the state we are in. So what can you do to change your state that will have an impact on how you feel?

Three things you can do,

Language

Change your language, notice the words you use that limit you, can’t, should, yes but, don’t know, all these words put a limit on your thinking. When you hear yourself use the word ‘can’t’ replace it with ‘won’t’. What’ s the implication? Are you now more in control in what you choose to do next?

Replace ’should’ with ‘could’. What happens now? Do possibilities all of a sudden become available. We use ‘yes but’, to acknowledge what is happening or being said, then give ourself reasons of why you can’t do what is being suggested.

Focus

What are you focusing on? Is your cup half empty or half full? When we don’t feel great we tend to focus on what is lacking in our life and what we don’t have or can’t get. When we start to focus on what we have and what possibilities there are, its amazing how our state starts to improve. Developing your self-awareness helps you focus on what actually is, as opposed, on what maybe.

Posture

When we talk about the mind and how we feel, the movement of the body is often ignored. Changing and emphasising your posture can have a high impact on your state. Try walking with your chest out, and tall and not feel good, not easy is it! Hold your head up and see if you start to feel good. Eye contact and smiling will also improve your state. Try it. We all know how much we can do without crossing the line of social etiquette.

All these thing are within your control. There is no more excuse to have bad days. Bad moments yes, bad days no, don’t allow it to happen. Don’t fall into the ‘Oh it’s going to be one of those days’ syndrome. If you are having a bad morning, do something so the afternoon is good. Is this easy, of course it’s not, if it were you’d be doing it already. Intellectually you know all this, all you have to do now is apply it.

Language, Focus and Posture are things that we all have control over. When we are not feeling good we tend to focus on things that we don’t control or have an influence over. We are human and some things take longer to get over then others. However doing a few small things that we can control will allow us to get into a state where we start to operate how we want to.

True pure coaching is about challenging people to get what they want. Get them to think in a way that allows new thinking to take place. It was once said, and repeated many times before, and I make no apologies to repeat it here again, “If you keep on doing the same things you will keep on geting the same results”. The same principle applies if you keep on thinking the same things, you will keep on getting the same conclusions.

When coaching, I set some rules at the start of the session, and these rules applies for both myself and the coachee. The rule is that the following three phrases cannot be used during the session

• I know
• I don’t know
• Yes, but…

Does it work, well try it yourself. You don’t have to be a coach to apply this rule, you can apply it as a manager or leader when having a conversation that is around improving performance.

I Know

Preventing from saying this allows further thinking to take place. Linked to effective listening, the key is to to pause before giving an answer. The coachee knowing they cannot say ‘I know’ forces them to think about what you they want to say and give a response that will be more empowering and productive for the conversation.

I Don’t Know

Coaching involves asking challenging questions, ‘I don’t know’ immediately puts the onus back on the person asking the question, to either give a suggestion, or ask a further question. Not being able to say I don’t know, again allows them to think and potentially get some different results.

Yes, but

This is classic when somebody is just waiting for a pause in what you are saying so they can say what they want. If this is the case, they are already thinking what they are going to say, and so will not hear what you are saying towards the end.

By saying ‘Yes, but’ it gives the indication that they have heard what you have said, making you feel you are being heard. Within a coaching context listening is paramount, and it is imperative the coach and coachee listen fully to what is being said.

and what is essential

Pauses

In between what the coach and the coachee talk about, deliberate pauses can have a empowering and productive impact on the coaching, for both parties.

There are many things that Business can learn from Sport, focus, motivation, goals, dedication, talent, the list goes on. However in most cases business looks at sport from the point of view of motivation, looking to learn ways to keep going, dealing with adversity and the single mindedness needed to being an elite performer.

Simplicity is the key with this. There are three areas that business can look at, that elite performers in sport consistently demonstarte that enables them to perform at the best.

1. Clarity of Goal
2. Patience and Preparation
3. Being in the Moment

Below is a talk I gave on this at a recent networking event.

Although we know the the thinking of children is innocent, it still never fails to fascinate us when children say things that just demonstrate that.

Yesterday when leaving the house, my 6 year old (Suraj) got to the front door first as we about to leave. He noticed something in the letter box sticking out, he grabbed it and I asked what it was.

He didn’t say anything, I saw that it was a takeaway leaflet from an Indian takeaway, and said as much. Now as you may of gathered we are of Indian decent, now in the scheme of things what has this got to do with anything.

He turned around look at me and said, “How do they know we are Indian”. My other two children, wife and myself laughed at the sheer innocence and clever (lateral) thinking of his mind.

Sometimes all we need to do is  listen to our children to truly understand how our minds work.